Inside Outside Upside Down

Organized Chaos

2005-09-11T16:14:00.000-07:00

I'm back!

I tip my glass to those who were involved with Saucy Fops: The Musical?, both current and past members, and extend my gratitude towards everyone who made it possible for me to participate in the Victoria Fringe Festival. Was more fun that mere words can describe, and I am so honoured to have been a part of it. Thank you all for the memories! Break a leg in Vancouver!

I'm really excited about this year. Something I haven't been for a long time. I finally have my own space in the basement, and that means I have all my old possessions back out again. I spent two days sorting through my life, memories, ambitions and momentos and, after much scrutinizing, I managed to throw out over 15 boxes worth of clothes, books, teddies, (you name it) and donate them to charities. Feels like I'm starting out fresh. I've got new goals, and a place to call my own where I can work to achieve them. It feels really really good.

And that's not the only place in my life where changes are being made. As of today I am applying for new employment opportunities, because I'm done bitching about work and taking no active step towards improving my position. The job was good to me, in that my boss was good to me, but she's gone... and soon shall I be. I have nothing against minimum wage paying jobs, it's just that I need to have one that relies on my brain power in at least some sense of the word. Hopefully I can get back on at Starbucks, but we'll see how that goes.

I'm also continuing my regime at the weight room at TRU, being that I have 4 hour breaks in between classes, which is helping both with my studies (as I can read books and use the bicycle simultaneously) and my overall health. It feels good to take control of yourself, both mind and body. I encourage anyone who has the time to join me. I'm not trying to bulk up or lose weight, just get back into some semblance of being physically fit.

Other than that, it should be a phenomenally intense school year for me, full of headaches and last minute deadlines (but what other way could it be done, right?). Hopefully I'll learn new and exciting things, and make some great new memories in the process. Speaking of good memories... when's the first themed party going to be?? Count me in!

although the cat came back the very next day, my return will be delayed

2005-08-23T22:19:00.000-07:00

This is it.
The first vacation I've had in over 3 years of doing solid University courses, paired up with multiple jobs. And, may I just say....

WOO HOO!

I wish everyone a blissful and carefree end to the last remaining days of summer, and I can' t wait to see you all again in September. Although I will be working hard to make this run of the Saucy Fops festival the best they've ever seen, I will be having a good time doing it, and missing you all while I do. Take care, and know my thoughts are with you all!

Peace.

Staind- Schizophrenic Conversations

2005-08-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

I still have schizophrenic conversations
Where there's no one else around to hear.
I long for solitude and peace within me
Void of all the anger and the fear.

Need I say more?...

ribbons of truth

2005-08-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

stretched rubber
filled with hope
as it floats towards the sky
life has just begun
and happiness makes you light.
the time steals your youth
weighs you down
with burdens and pain
and you lose your weightlessness;
as you begin to sink
falling to the depths of hell
only a few currents of wind
moments of bliss
keep you afloat-
delaying the inevitable
until you touch rock bottom
POP!

Break a leg baby!

2005-08-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

Too late to say this to his face... but I was too choked up to remember. Want to extend a hearty congratulations to all the Saucy Fops members and hope that they all have a safe but fantastic trip to Saskatoon! For those of you who haven't heard, I was blessed with an invitation from the Saucy Fops to Stage Manage their Victoria festival (for which much Snoopy Dancing ensued)... so I finally get to do the vacation thing! What a great year it's been for theatre! I've been given so many opportunities that I probably didn't deserve, and it's paying off more and more. I haven't even taken a SM course yet, and I've had 3 opportunities thus far. At least if acting isn't my gig, I can say I have a back-up plan.

It's going to be a hard two weeks for me. Sappy I know, but I haven't been away from Brandon for longer than 2 days before... so anyone who wants to come cheer me up and keep me company... just gimme a call! Love you all!

... I promised myself I wouldn't cry.... damnit!

meh

2005-07-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

nothing matters

there's always a problem that i can't fix. no matter how hard i try to keep everything together and to make everyone's life just that much easier, there's always something working against me. and it feels sometimes that i'm the only one that hasn't given up trying. that i'm the only one who thinks happiness is worth fighting for.

i can't smile my way through life, and yet this frown isn't taking me anywhere that i want to go. sometimes i feel that the world is so preoccupied with what's going on in their life, that they never stop to take the time to make a difference in somebody else's. it makes me sick. if everyone just took a moment each day to consider what somebody else's hurt must be like and strove to do something to ease it, maybe their own problems wouldn't be so all consuming. i'm not saying i'm perfect, i'm far from it,... but i at least take the time to focus on another person's needs. it's not "me, me, me" all the time. yes, i like my share of attention too (i'm an actress after all), but after all i feel i do to help others out, is it really so much to ask to just be appreciated? not worshipped, not adored... just acknowledged for what i do... and maybe appreciated for it. i guess it must be, because i constantly feel alone- even after an entire day of selfless devotion to others i still don't feel like what i've done was enough... it couldn't have been... nobody seems to care.

i've got a lot on my mind right now, more than i can put into words... thinking seems to be the bane of my existance, and yet it gives me purpose. everything that's bad for us, we seem to need that much more... like i said... nothing matters.

The tunnel's blackness is always devoured by the approaching light

2005-07-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

The last week has been a heart wrenching one for me. I've been pitted as the centre of a cataclysmic disruption in the cosmic forces (most of my loved ones have hit a chaotic point in their lives), and I'm trying so hard to reach out to everyone right now that I don't feel I'm giving them the love and support they deserve. I want everyone to know that no matter how bogged down I am with my own personal shit (cuz let's face it, I always am), I don't want to be kept in the dark about your problems. I have been blessed with family and friends that I can both love dearly and trust with my own issues, and there's nothing in this world that would stop me from easing their hurt (even minutely), whether it furthered my own or not. I want you all to know that I am here for you, however I can be of use, and that I love you all. Don't ever hesitate on leaning against me for support, because I will always be there to fall back upon: be it to cry against me, or to just have me in the room when you don't want to be alone... I've got your back, forever!

This applies to all I know and love, but a special hug and kiss goes out to my sister Jen and my boyfriend Brandon- who both need a little extra support right now. I love you both so very much.

Who am I?

2005-07-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

I just found out what personality I'm most like... and I got Mother Theresa. Apparently I live to make others happy and I love to give. Sounds pretty accurate if you ask me.

And for my movie... I reflect "Wuthering Heights" (which is a fabulous book by Charlotte Bronte) because I'm "dramatic and romantic and finding true love is my main passion in life." That also sounds pretty accurate!

Thanks for the link Fof... that was cool.

The expiration of my sanity

2005-07-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to put this out there for everyone who sees me on a daily basis and may be wondering what is wrong with me. I seem to be in a bad place right now. I lie in bed feeling lonely and miserable and I'm not sure as to the source of this sudden pain. I think it's a self-induced cry for pity, due to my incessant need for attention... of which, with all my friends and loved ones' thoughts upon the current production we're in, I feel I'm not getting enough. Pathetic, isn't it? I'm not asking for sympathy. And please don't indulge my selfishness with attention I don't deserve. I just wanted you all to know that I'm dealing with some internal turmoil (of a yet to be determined cause), and that's what is causing me to act the way that I am. I'm sorry if my behaviour has brought down the spirits of anyone else. I hold no ill feelings towards anyone, and blame this conflict entirely upon myself. I'm grateful for everyone that I have in my life, and thank you all in advance for your patience towards me. I love you. (and Brandon, that goes double for you.)

Summer can't start until I'm ready for it!!

2005-07-10T10:20:00.000-07:00

Been having some weird dreams lately. You know the kind I mean... where everything you accomplish is so disgustingly NOT you that you stress yourself out "watching" it occur and wake up with a killer headache and severe stress to boot. Not a fan of sleep that stresses me out- have enough things in the real world to do that. But... what can you do, right? Just have to hope and pray that I'm not actually as sadistic as my dreams are making me out to be.

Other than that... guess it's been a long time since I've wrote anything. That'll be because any spare time I DO have is sure not spent on the computer (even if my sleep cycles have been evil... I still need it!!). The Tempest is going really well and I'm excited for all the actors involved- the show is a fantastically excellent one. It's just tiring because I'm still working full time and then going to rehearsals. Not nearly as tiring as doing that then performing in Walls (hysteria, drugs, anger, lust, shock)... but tiring enough.

There's a good chance that I will be taking my first road trip (in two goddamn years) to Victoria to honour Brandon with his first "groupies" at his Saucy Fops performance of The Musical! It may only be for one night... but damnit are Laura and I going to have fun! (Especially if we have to share a single bed just to afford it!)

Other than that... looking forward to doing SOMETHING outside in the Sun... someday this summer. I hear it's a nice experience and am looking forward to trying it out. Maybe I could even drive through sprinklers again (what does the Rabbit think of THAT idea? hehe). Hope all is well with everyone else and that I get to catch up with you guys sometime soon. Take it easy!

What a night!

2005-06-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

So opening night of Walls is over... and yeah.. STANDING OVATION BABY! Little excited here, not going to lie to you. Also very exhausted. On my fifth day of seven straight 8 hour days at good ol' Thompson Park Mall. I want to scratch out my eyeballs. Not a bad idea... if I messed up my face, I might not have to deal with all the shit I do down there (pervert photographers, crack whores, pimps, psychotic drunks with toilet paper, creepy security guys, dirty Santas, etcetera). If I looked as scary as the people I served, maybe they'd treat me with more respect. Who knows. Wow I got off topic there. Did I mention that I'm exhausted? Anywho... just wanted to send an enthusiastic high five to everyone involved in the production of Walls... it's a wicked show... and I'm definitely proud to be a part of it. If you haven't gone... we're running it every night this week (until Saturday) at the Actors Workshop Theatre at TRU, at 8pm for $10. Guaranteed it'll blow your mind. Don't believe me? See it for yourself.

Walls collapses!

2005-06-14T11:16:00.000-07:00

Anybody else a little nervous about opening a show in a week that we've never rehearsed all the way through, with the lights, with the sound, with all the costumes, with all the props, or with all the media? Yeah. I just can't wait until this week is over. Looking forward to Fundraise This! on Saturday... I hope to see you all there for some drunken bliss, and a sneak peek of the Fops Musical!! Other than that... nothing is new with me... same ol' stressful shit... same ol' categorized piles. Peace!

I Need To Try That Slide Again!!!

2005-06-12T01:39:00.000-07:00

Ok so I may possibly still be a little drunk here... but what needs to be said, must be said. THAT WAS TOTALLY WICKED!! Hehe. Did a little karaoke (I sang "Bitch", "Bohemian Rhapsody", "Summer of '69"), drank a lot of Crown (kudos to Bigman and Ray for supplying the happiness), and definitely played some tag (IN THE RAIN!!!) at a park in the dark with like 15 people! So much fun!!! I'll probably cough up a lung in my sleep, but it'll be worth it. That's exactly what I needed tonight so thanks for all of you who are awesome and came! We need to plan Part II to the happy fun that was this evening, because I'm still pepped up and eager to play. And I think we need to consider an extension of the BMAS group because tonight's gang was (as Fof termed it:) s'wicked! Other than that... going to have my bath... and sleep... and dream happy thoughts of blissful fun. You guys rock my world.

One... Two... Three.... NOT IT!!!!!!!

Got some real winners here in Kamloops...

2005-06-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

Ok honestly!! What is it with men in this town?! For the last month, especially, it seems I've been stalked by an astonishingly high amount of dirty, creepy men and I was just wondering if there was a convention for perverts in town or if that sign above my head that says "you know I want you" is back in illumination?! It normally doesn't bug me if a guy looks in my general direction because that only suggests that he saw movement in his peripheral vision and curiosity had him see who/what it was. But every goddamn day I've had these losers signalling me and calling out shit to me and it's really REALLY pissing me off. I've never used the finger so many times in my life (forget in just one month!). It's gotten so bad that even those who glance in my direction are getting glared at. How do I explain to them that I AM NOT INTERESTED. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. EVEN IF I DIDN'T YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A CHANCE IN HELL. ?? I was thinking of having rejection stickers made up and I could slap them on every guy's face that looks at me twice. That would be satisfying... that slapping motion. Glad I got a ring though.. I'll be flashing that left/right/centre and see if THAT sends the message home to these "class-acts". Good grief!

Plan B would be to have Brandon escort me around town with his rifle and I'll point out every guy that checks me out. I think we could accomplish two things there: relieving me from the annoyance of these worthless guys... and giving Brandon the opportunity to blow of some steam (right through the heads of these assholes!).

So the moral is... if you MUST look.. then just GLANCE BRIEFLY!! No girl I know is flattered by an all-out gawk session! Honestly!! Are we thirteen again?

A Fantastic Waste of Braincells!!!

2005-05-30T00:09:00.000-07:00

I'm a lucky girl and I know it.

Let's face it: that was, by far, the BEST birthday shin-dig EVER! Usually something always goes wrong at party- people get in spats, something gets broken, it dies out too early, etcetera... but this one was (in all accounts) perfect! A huge thank you to the Bigman for sponsering this gala affair, and for everyone that even had a passing thought in my direction this weekend... thank you for making this the most memorable (of what I can remember ;) birthday I've ever had! You guys rock my world, and I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You spoiled me rotten and you know it!

As for you Brandon, you know what you've done for me this weekend, and how much everything meant to me. Just knowing that I've finally found my equal... somebody that I can love whole-heartedly, with no restraints... is all I could ever ask for. Thanks for just being you.

Whose birthday is next?

Much Needed Update

2005-05-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

Well again it's been awhile. But I understand now why I haven't been writing any blogs. I use this site to vent, right? (I'm sure you can all see that by now)... but I haven't had anything to vent about lately... so I haven't been writing. I mean, you all know what's great in my life and what it is that makes me happy... so I don't want to bore you with details you already know. But I will summarize for those of you who don't know, what I've been up to lately.

First off, rehearsals for Walls are going very well. I'm having a great time developing my character and situating myself within the scenes that I am involved in. It's certainly challenging me as an actress, and that's something I appreciate- being that I have a long way to go in learning to express myself theatrically... so any opportunity to learn shall not be wasted.

The Tempest has been a blast so far also, as my contribution to this play has steadily been increasing. I love working with Derek and Samantha... the environment is so laid back and fun, that it's not intimidating to make suggestions and try new things... even as the Assistant Stage Manager! And, it appears that I will also be playing out spirit scenes (and perhaps act as a dog? YES!) as well as my backstage duties... so that's definitely something I'm looking forward to. One of my personal theatre-related hurdles that I want to overcome is the ability to just let myself go... and be free spirited when I'm acting. To not feel embarrassed as I "flutter" or "prance" around the stage... so this is a great chance for me to develop my confidence as an actor. I'm loving it!

The other element of my life that I've been loving is working out with the Walls cast during my intermission between plays! It's another environment where judgment doesn't exist, and I can feel good about creating a body for myself that isn't held back by hurdles such as steep staircases, or the many hills of Kamloops. It's nice to walk to my bus stop without getting winded! And my energy is increasing as well... I haven't felt the need to nap as much as I used to... which is refreshing! (although, I still enjoy a good nap... let's be honest here!) So I'm happier and healthier in both the realm of my mind as well as the improving "temple" of my body!

Other than that... work... well it brings in the money (little as it is). I've had two opportunities now, to work for the Best Western (offering me 14 bucks an hour) and I've had to turn them both down- for reasons less than good, in my opinion. So that's a bit of a drag, as I really need to save up some cash for the upcoming semesters of school. But, at least they are calling me up, right? So hopefully my availability will pick up soon... but I'll just have to wait it out.

Missing the BMAS group... but looking heartily forward to the Macquattinson Celebration (yes... that is, as of right now, what I'm going to call it) being held at the Grasshoppers Pub at 6pm, Saturday May 28th,... to be carried over to Chris Macquarrie's abode (with much drinking and merriment I'm assured)... then to be concluded with happy piles of people spread out about his house at the wee hours of the morning. Bring booze, sleeping equipment, PRESENTS (haha I'm just kidding.. Really, I am!!), and your bathing suits if the weather is permitting. Should be a gay ol' time!

Other than that.. hope all is well with everyone who bothers to read my nonsense... and I assure you.. when something inspirational hits... I will write about it. Ciao!

A little known fact...

2005-05-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

I'm the luckiest girl alive!

Sorry. No details for this one. Should be self-explanatory if you know me at all. (Who else could make me feel this way?)

a happier, healthier me.

2005-05-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are concerned as to my "new" conscientiousness over my health... what's your deal? Is it a bad thing that I finally have some time to take care of myself and get back into shape? I'm not looking to beef up heavily, or drop some major weight... I just want to tone my body and become physically fit again so that I'm not huffing and puffing after walking up a flight of stairs! I think it's great that I've got an opportunity to get in shape with all my friends supporting me. And the eating healthier bit just came naturally, oddly enough. I just started craving fruits and veggies of late... so I'm going with it. So please do not worry about me, or assume I'm going to go over the deep end on some crazy diet scheme or something. I just want to be healthy and have fun this summer... don't you?

Meet me where the sun kisses the earth goodnight.

2005-05-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

Well it's been awhile hasn't it? My devoted readers (all, what... 2 of you? haha) must be wondering what's going on in my topsy turvy world. Well, let me tell you... I've been thinking of putting a welcome mat on the theatre door because it sure as hell feels as though I live there. Two rehearsals a day (which is hard because most of the time I am not actually rehearsing anything) and plenty of notes, research, and homework to keep me occupied when I am at home. I miss hanging out with the gang... but spending time with most of them daily is keeping my sanity intact. Haven't started my new job yet... apparently I won't be getting as many hours as I anticipated (boo-urns), so we'll have to wait and see how that all pans out. Might have to find ANOTHER job as well. (sigh).

Other than that... things have been really good for me. I've been getting a lot of exercise lately and eating very well (meaning I have incorporated foreign foods such as fruits and vegetables into my diet as a substitution for my staple foods of deep fried garbage with salted slabs of grease!). So I'm feeling better about myself which is a milestone for me, to say the least. I've even gone so far as to purchase a halter top which bears my scar, and I plan to wear it to the gym (in full view of whoever is there) in an attempt to destroy my childish paranoia/shame about it. We'll see how that goes...

Looking forward to my birthday (and yours too, Bigman)... which, if you guys did not hear... will be a dual celebration that will commence at the Grasshoppers Pub on Summit, then carry forward to the abode of Bigman (aka Chris Macquarrie) where a good ol' fashioned pool party will ensue! Alcohol will obviously be present... and tents and sleeping gear will be a must-bring item as the guests will be crashing in the back yard! This will take place on the 28th of this month (carrying over to the 29th), but I will provide explicit time details, etcetera when we're closer to the date.

In other news.... yeah.... okay so that's all my news. To recap though: I've just been feeling very light-hearted and happy lately (rare!) so I'm eating up every moment of spring-induced bliss that I can. Brandon brings more joy to my heart that I ever thought possible, school and theatre give me a sense of purpose, work gives me the funds to sustain myself, and my friends fill that void which, without them, would encourage such disparaging feelings as worthlessness and loneliness. I'm just in a really good place right now and I want to share it with everybody I love. Spring truly brings out the best in me. It's all about rebirth, cycles, and growth. I suggest everybody takes a solitary walk in some form of garden or meadow and just get away from the daily pressures. Relax in the serene solice of a beautiful landscape and be grateful that you are alive and well... because things could always be worse... so you must always appreciate the joys and beauties that you have. Nothing lasts forever... so cherish what you have. It will add more meaning to your existance.

As for me... I'm going to lay in the grass and stare up at the stars. Goodnight all, and thanks for listening.

"together, forever"

2005-05-03T23:36:00.000-07:00

tears
smell the same
despite its owner's cheeks
we've all choked
on the salty waste
as it trembled down
creating truth's puddle
upon the barren floor.

pounding hearts
beat to the rhythm
of our mutual hate
no matter the cause
it drums on
a tune we all recognize
as the sun's rage shines down
burning through our souls

eyes drawn
away from the light
gazeless and dead
to all who wish to see
we've all seen the nothing
the resort to our shame
the club with restrictions
for those who must hide

emotions
are universal
your neighbours share your pain
situations contrast
but reactions compare
all our hearts have bled

We may not experience the same situations in our lives, but we all share the same emotions to the joys, hurts, and fears we encounter. A person does not have to undergo your pain to know how much it can hurt. Just as a person does not have to be in love, to know how encompassing it can be. We breathe the same air, drink the same water, and feel the same sentiments as everyone else. So why do we strive to be unique? Why is it so important to be seen as an individual? If everyone is trying to accomplish this, aren't we back at the same starting ground of similarity? You can be your own person, make your own choices, and live out your own life... but deep down, you are just another human being in the small scale of things, trying to do what you think is best for you- which everyone else is doing too. So the more you try to stand out from the crowd, the more you are embedded within it. Remember this next time that you assume somebody doesn't 'understand' you. They may not understand your situation... but they sure as hell can understand the irrationality of human emotions and motivations. Sorry to break it to you guys... but deep down... we're all the same. It's the choices we make that make us distinct. Choose wisely, and good luck.

I made you think there didn't I? Now what's important is not 'what' you thought about as you read this blog, but rather what you will choose to do with it. Any questions?

"The Future"

2005-05-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

As an aspiring poet, I too have my idols, and somebody whose poetry has always entraced me is Leonard Cohen. His rhythmic lyrics, often put to music, have always inspired me to think outside the box... and to rethink ideas and concepts I already knew. Here's one of my favourites:

Give me back my broken night
my mirrored room,
my secret life
it's lonely here,
there's no one left to torture
Give me absolute control
over every living soul
And lie beside me, baby,
that's an order!
Give me crack and anal sex
Take the only tree that's left
and stuff it up the hole in your culture
Give me back the Berlin wall
give me Stalin and St Paul
I've seen the future, brother: it is murder.

Things are going to slide,
slide in all directions
Won't be nothing
Nothing you can measure anymore
The blizzard, the blizzard of the world
has crossed the threshold
and it has overturned the order of the soul
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant

You don't know me from the wind
you never will, you never did
I'm the little jew who wrote the Bible
I've seen the nations rise and fall
I've heard their stories, heard them all
but love's the only engine of survival
Your servant here, he has been told
to say it clear, to say it cold:
It's over, it ain't going any further
And now the wheels of heaven stop
you feel the devil's riding crop
Get ready for the future: it is murder

Things are going to slide ...
There'll be the breaking of the ancient western code
Your private life will suddenly explode
There'll be phantoms
There'll be fires on the road
and the white man dancing
You'll see a woman hanging upside down
her features covered by her fallen gown
and all the lousy little poets coming round
tryin' to sound like Charlie Manson and the white man dancin'
Give me back the Berlin wall
Give me Stalin and St Paul
Give me Christ or give me Hiroshima
Destroy another fetus now
We don't like children anyhow
I've seen the future, baby: it is murder

Things are going to slide ...
When they said REPENT REPENT ...

Strength in Numbers

2005-04-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

when you're lost
strangled within the labyrinth of darkness
i will find you

when you're sad
as tears slice down the cheeks of your wretchedness
i will hold you

when you're angry
bloody fists pounding the fury of your soul
i will soothe you

when you're empty
numb against the pains of external happenstance
i will fill you

and

when you're in need
stacked against insurmountable odds
i will love you and i will save you

because with love, you can never be alone.

For Brandon... entitled "Mourning's Death"

2005-04-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

when night devours day
the light's sensations
down for the count
you need only walk towards the horizon
meeting the sun
where it kisses the earth
so its first rays will shine upon you
rebrightening your world
and giving hope to a glorious new day.

* From a girl who cares *

Bright times await us...

2005-04-26T00:31:00.000-07:00

You know what's great about life? Everything, sometimes. And that's what makes it so interesting. You go through months and months of pure hell, and then something happens and it's like a SNAP in your brain goes off- everything is happy and sunshiney again. I'm going to credit the Bigman himself for giving me an outlet for this transformation to take place... but it's definitely been the time I've had with Brandon that has put me over the edge. He's been really good to me, and I don't think I give him enough credit for that. And I'm sorry if that offends certain ppl (haha Bigman), but things must be said, and people must know. I've just been so spirited and cheerful lately. I almost forgot that part of my personality (and it used to be the overwhelmingly dominant part). Thanks to everyone who have been so great to me these last months, especially you honey, and cheers to a fun-filled, care-free (knock on wood), fantastical summer with all my BMAS buddies! I'm looking forward to road trips, midnight picnics, random excursions, and the general insanity that comes part and parcel with the theatrical family I hold dear to my heart. It's going to be a blast!

cloud 9 at Sunpeaks!

2005-04-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

Well I have officially just descended from heaven. A giant kudos to Chris for throwing the best weekend shin-dig, undoubtedly, of my life! Good times were had, muchos alcohol was consumed (probably enough to cover the eating costs of all 10 ppl that were out there), and memories and bonds were made that will probably last a lifetime! And I must say, I think this retreat was EXACTLY what all of us needed, after the year we've all had. Even if we didn't think we needed to get away... boy did we ever! And I'm glad I was able to share it with the people that I did. I've never been involved with a group of people that I felt so comfortable around, so myself, and so not judged, you know? I just want to let everyone that was there know how much I love and respect them. You are all amazing and beautiful people in your own unique ways... and I'd do anything, within my power, for each and everyone one of you. Just wanted you to know that!

Can't wait until the next "gathering"! Any volunteers for hosting?

last call

2005-04-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

standing in the shadows
of someone else's fame
as i roll out the red carpet
my dreams are tromped upon
with spoiled soles
of pretentious feet.
i pull back the curtains
as the show must go on
and while my life acts out on the stage
i merely serve as the audience
to the actions i cannot perform.
i'll rip your tickets
and light your world
but no spotlight will ever feature me
as the tech to my own drama.
lights out
don't blink-
you can't miss
what you don't see

was i ever even there?

lullaby... but no goodnight...

2005-04-13T02:18:00.000-07:00

Do you remember back in the day when your parents would yell at you to get to bed and you didn't want to because you enjoyed staying up past your bedtime? How fucking stupid were we?! Now, if I CAN go to bed... and enjoy a couple of hour's rest... I'm flying high for the rest of the week. The stupid thing is, I made sure I'd have plenty of time to sleep this week with all I need to finish, and for some damn reason my brain has decided to work overtime day AND night, thus disabling my sleep priveleges entirely! I just spent 2 hours lying in bed, feeling EXHAUSTED, and not getting one ounce of sleep. Awesome. Just awesome. Guess I'll work on some homework or something seeings how I'm not allowed to rest, EVER! Stupid brain! And everyone wonders why I'm grumpy... I want to sleep!!!

That's enough bitching for tonight... see you in a couple of hours!.... a couple of miserably long and unsatisfying hours... *sigh*. Hope everybody else is getting some sleep these days. This is terrible.

public apology

2005-04-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

This is a blog for everyone that I know and love: I'm sorry. Sorry for all the mood swings, from everything to lethargy to cataclysmic bitchiness. I can't honestly say what my problem right now is. I'd like to blame it on financial and school stress, but I don't know if that's all that is wrong. Either way, none of you deserve to be in the cross-fire of my mental breakdown... and I'm sorry that you have been. Especially you Brandon, because, let's face it, you're getting the worst of it, and that is the last thing I want to do to you. For all of you who continue to stand by my side (with the addition of armour and face masks) I want to sincerely thank you. I promise that when I get through whatever the hell I'm dealing with, you will discover that I can be a fun-loving, carefree girl.... she's in there somewhere. I guess she's just playing hide and go seek, and I'm losing the game. Anyways.... long story short... I don't know where I'd be without you guys. I love you all!

Can't wait til the Bigman Anti-Social!

total body meltdown

2005-04-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

So I know the last couple of weeks of school aren't easy on anybody, but this is definitely the worst term end I've ever experienced! I've got homework flying at me in every direction, deadlines slapping me in the face, essays getting ripped out of my ass last minute, and no end in sight! Anybody else vote that we protest that final project for Tech? Fuck! And the best part? I'm turning into a mild insomniac! Fours day now... I'm going on minimal hours sleep, and trust me.. I'm tired! By the end of the day, with all the stuff going through my mind, it just won't shut down for a bit. I can't wait until this next week is over. Maybe I'll get some sleep once it is. In the meantime, Director's Fest is going well... having a good time with it (YAY SOUND CUES!), and the party will be Saturday... so expect a very very VERY hungover Jess on Sunday cuz I plan on drinking myself blind, if possible. Countdown to sanity is on! Bring me the booze!

Peace.

blind visions

2005-04-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

my toes grapple the edge
cool dirt suckling at my skin
while a warm breeze
envelopes me with your love.
peering down
we see the earth's potential
pain
sorrow
fear
all of the evils surrounding the downward spiral
are now beneath us.
we rose above it all
together
in a world encased within hope
hand in hand
we traverse the cliffs
gazing upwards at the sun's rays
casting brilliant light upon our path
to a better world
together.

*For non-believers like Fof... I CAN write happy poems. I just find them harder to do, honestly.

Breaking news...

2005-04-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

I had a really good day today. Just wanted everyone to know that I do have those once in awhile...

shadow lurker

2005-04-01T23:09:00.000-08:00

tinted glass
foggy view
tears parallel the motions of nature
as the tides sweep from above.
shivering and wet
i peer within
the lightened spirits
glowing and mirthful
as my ankles are flooded with rising dirt.
access denied
priveleges expended to the worthy
others left in the rain
drowning in their sorrows

All my self-pitying and whining aside, congratulations... and I do mean it... to the new cast of The Tempest, being produced by Project X Theatre this summer! I mourn only for the loss of an opportunity to better myself as an actress, but put no blame upon those who had talent enough to be cast. I'm sure I will be there providing technical support (although I dare say it better not be in the COSTUMING department!)... and I'm looking forward to spending time with everyone involved. In the meantime... good luck with everyone taking part in the Director's Festival (opening next week Mon-Fri, 4 amazing shows each night, 2 different nights of shows, premiering at TRU Actor's Theatre Workshop so come on down!). As for me... where's the goddamn whiskey??

south of the border

2005-03-31T23:53:00.000-08:00

many paths
dark and isolated
fork into the vents
of my insulated mind
all lead towards the same destiny
but each journey traverses seperate hurt
the easiest choice
is not always the wisest
more glory can be obtained
from the wait
or the effort
of achieving the dream
choose wisely

infinite nothingness

2005-03-29T11:59:00.000-08:00

time slips passed
sands of forgotten promises
choking the neck of the hourglass
as it merges with reality
a small pool of waste.

trophies of defeat

2005-03-29T00:34:00.000-08:00

chronic buzzing
can't stop the voice
useless
infidel
make it to the finish
then trip on the ribbon.
tick tock
clocks strikes nothing
wasted
pathetic
rise to the top
then fall over the edge.
echoed sigh
choking on my own breath
worthless
trash
raised expectations
make the fall even longer.
buzz. tick. sigh.
cycles of torture
lift me up
to knock me down.
i think i'll wallow here for awhile

fallen petals

2005-03-27T21:45:00.000-08:00

candlelit
shadows cast upon the wall
my only companions
the wick burns down
stealing the light
as darkness cradles my empty mind
alone
the empty chair
my opposite
the alien of my design
his lack of presence
reflects his attendance
even in company
i'm starved alone
on the brink of nothingness
i feel whole
the hole
takes me in its arms
weightless
i fall
will you catch me?

runner-up

2005-03-26T23:37:00.000-08:00

craddled
my arms hold me up
the wall is my backdrop
tears
my only friend
one thing you can always count on
nobody else exists
comparisons
i always lose
love me
dream of another
screams
echoes from within
deaf is everyone who hears
but chooses to not listen
i need you
but i don't deserve the effort
why chose second best
i'm a first place loser
but you made me
and i will stab you with the trophy of your desire
guess i'm good for something

cracked mirror

2005-03-26T23:28:00.000-08:00

thickness
stretched to the arms of infinite madness
lock me away
to the core of your redemption
am i pretty
does my skin fit right
or do i strangle myself with unblossomed potential
look at me
gaze into the blank hues of my soul
staring back
nothing
fixation on pretences
ignorance of nature
see what there is
forget what there could be
see me
i'm here
reality is present
open it.

contradiction- a love poem

2005-03-25T22:53:00.000-08:00

gorge on my face
eyes trimmed with desire
i strip off colours
consuming the sun
come closer

thorns outline my skin
blood trickles to the floor
the clouds choke me with their lies
death waits to sleep
i hate you

kisses burn my soul
my acid sours your touch
rot seeps from my pores
i want to eat your heart
just hold me

*Now you are all wondering what kind of acid trip am I on and how can I hook you up, right? Well, sorry to disappoint you... but, these last two poems... twisted as they are... just came out of my little head... and the funny part is... I'm in a really good mood. I just don't do happy poetry. Get over it. And if you don't understand my poems, then you actually do. What can we say is understandable in this life anyway? My point exactly.

sweet dreams

2005-03-24T00:38:00.000-08:00

peel these layers
lies will stain this skin
markings pierce straight through me
i bleed from within

the souls have i injected
racing stripes of my desire
grave vines strangle the intentions
will you consume the fire

words tumble through the longing
bite off more than you can chew
gauge the neighbour's eyeballs
at night it will kill you

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2005-03-23T00:31:00.000-08:00

Arguably the best movie I've ever seen! I find the idea of memory and consciousness to be utterly fascinating- I always have. I mean, if you think about it... all you have to do is convince yourself that something is true, because if you believe it,... then it is. So who is to say what it is you do know and what it is that you've confabulated out of desire or rememory? I myself have constructed fantastical memories of places I've seen, things I've said, and experiences I've lived... some of which I still do not know the truth behind. If I can't remember the truth to my own history... who is to say that the history we generate into our textbooks has any resounding truth to it either! Isn't history just the retelling of a narrative or story? And haven't we all played that game telephone... where you say a sentence to the person sitting next to you and you pass it down the line and by the time it hits the end it's changed to something completely different...? What if history's narrative, through word of mouth, has completely changed over the years, and what we believe happened, is actually all a giant mistranslation? We all realise that some interpretations have obviously become skewed through the years and that those who provided the information were probably all overly biased in some respect, ... but what if it's all wrong? What if everything is? What if the only actual truth in this world are the thoughts being generated in your mind at this very second, and that is just because you are making it true, and giving those ideas life? It's absolutely mind-boggling to think that everything you understand about yourself based on what you've experienced may actually just be the reconstruction of your own memories and your reinterpretation of their value. How many people have woken up to a dream that seemed so vivid they were not sure if it actually happened to them? Well, maybe it did...! God! I'd give anything to be in the middle of an enormous deserted field... lying on top of a car's hood... staring up at the stars... and listening to Aqueous Transmission right now. Who's with me? Or are you really here? Maybe I've created my own world and you are all just the constructs of it. Maybe I am actually all alone, and the only reality I know is the one I'm creating right now... and that isn't even right because I am constantly evolving, and therefore, my thoughts do too. What a mind job! I fucking loved that movie!

I need a break...

2005-03-22T01:39:00.000-08:00

It's been decided. I need no longer worry about hell, cuz nothing that some supernatural being has conjured up could possibly be worse than the torments I put myself through. My insecurities seem to be adding up by the day now, making me more and more of a nut job (which I needed NO help in, by the way). I actually sat back today and tried to remember a time when all the stresses and worries I have right now did not exist. Do you know when that was? Summer of 1997. No kidding. Over 8 years ago. Now that's depressing. I'm just stuck in this pit of despair, and the rope that's pulling me out is giving me splinters on the way...

I figure by writing this I will see how stupid and inane I am being and that will snap me back into a reality where all this bullshit self-hate stuff doesn't exist. So far, no luck... but I've got to do something right? I mean, I don't think I'd look as cute with the contents of my head splattered against the back wall. I just need to chill... and take some time for me. Turns out I have some money coming to me from my grandparents, and so I will be taking a well deserved vacation from this town, these people, my homework, my job,... my life, essentially. We'll see what that does to clear my head. Wish me luck...

swallow me whole

2005-03-20T22:28:00.000-08:00

choking on a splintered truth
the demons
long for freedom
unmarred from my simplistic cobwebs
brushed away
like the still-born rain
erasing the history;
feed the hate
for it breeds destruction
and without it
no joy could ever be found
within the charred ashes
of its smoky remembrance

revolutions of torture- somebody hit that switch in my brain; I can't seem to reach it

2005-03-20T21:59:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those days where you just feel like jumping off a cliff and landing into the arctic tides below, just so you can FEEL something? Let's just say... I tried to jump but I tripped and scraped my knee instead. I've just been such a space cadet lately- I can't stand it! And I had a night which should have been great, and I accomplished a lot homework-wise (which should alleviate SOME stress you would think), but I still feel like curling up into the fetal position, holding my old teddy Bruno and crying myself to sleep. How does that sound for some Sunday night activities? And I've just felt so horrible all day long- you know what I mean? Like one of those days where everybody can see that you are there, but they just couldn't give a rat's ass about it. Like, no matter how long you took to look as nice as you could... you're still uglier than sin, and should be embarrassed for even trying. Or, that you devoted yourself for an entire day, week, month, or fucking LIFETIME to making somebody's life easier, and yet it's still not good enough for a thank you. That's how I feel right now. Oh, and how's THIS to top it off.... I gave Brandon his present today (something I've been ridiculously excited for, for some time now)... and even THAT didn't cheer me up! I guess there's just no hope for me tonight. It's been one of those days where I should have just stayed in bed and slept right through it. Save myself, and all the people who had to deal with me the trouble of putting up with my shit. I'm sorry.

http://purrrfectmadness.blogspot.com

2005-03-16T23:32:00.000-08:00

Laura M just got herself a blog... so be sure to check it out! If it's as twisted and fun as she is, it's bound to be entertaining!

KISS- Keep It Simple Stupid!

2005-03-16T11:34:00.000-08:00

Ok so the self-loathing has passed. What a rough night though. It's hard to imagine the shit you can put yourself through, but there you have it. If I can do all this to myself, I'd hate to see what others could do to me. But, it's all a matter of interpretation and choice. If I choose to be upset about something somebody says to me, is it really their fault for hurting me... or my fault for letting myself get hurt? I'd opt for the second choice. I should know better by now... at least, you'd THINK I would know better. I seem to always figure it out, AFTER the fact. Guess I need to learn to pick up the pace a bit. But, as with everything in my life... it's going to take time. For those of you who put up with my 'moods' and 'false interps'... thank you! You know who you are. For the rest of you... heed my warning: it's not as bad as you think... really, it isn't. Over-thinking ANYTHING will just make it worse. Just look at me! *sigh*...

a little self-loathing never hurt anyone... or did it?

2005-03-15T23:19:00.000-08:00

when the world cuts you off
no air to breathe
where do you turn?
do you choke on the leftovers of others
or suffocate
on the satisfaction of your independence.
i wallow in purgatory
no offerings
yet no individuality-
i can turn to nothing
wait for it to guide me
to further emptiness that aches from within.

*Ever have one of those days where you realise that no matter what it is you want to overcome internally, in ways of bettering yourself as a person, you will never be able to do so in a way that fully satisfies your drive for self-improvement? We all have a potential that is feasible, and then another one, even harder to obtain, that we strive to overcome... the trick is... knowing which one is which. Apparently I'm still a little confused on that one. I have so many philosophies and understandings of this world, and yet I cannot seem to employ them for my own benefit! I should be satisfied with the progresses I am making, and yet I feel trapped in a sinking pit of ineptitude. It all revolves around the constant insecurities I have about myself, and what it is I am capable of doing. Self-depracating, I know... but I cannot help it. I've spent my whole life trying to prove to others the worth I possess, but I forget to look at my accomplishments for MYSELF, and be proud of what it is I can do! It seems that, unless other people are complimenting me for something, it was not good enough- I should have done it better and I've let people down for not reaching my maximum potential. You see how I torture myself? If I'd only stand back and look objectively at my achievements, I would know for myself (and who is a better judge of my character, than me?) that I am worth something more than the standards I hold myself up against, and then I wouldn't need to hear the praises of others -because I'd just know that I'm doing a good job. Why don't I just listen to my own good advice? It's ridiculous!

holy psychotic dreams, batman!

2005-03-15T11:09:00.000-08:00

I think if we had my head analyzed, scientists would be baffled! I had the weirdest assortment of dreams last night... and I mean, WEIRD! First I was having a mass sleepover in a house I lived at over 4 years ago... and there was a killer on the loose outside of the door- which we decided to keep open for some reason! And I was the only one creeped out by that? Everybody else was watching when Harry met Sally?! And I was with like 14 of my guy friends! WTF? Then, I'm returning home from a trip (somewhere?) with everybody I know on a bus, and we make a pit stop at this creepy restaurant where I alone get kidnapped and locked into a black cell (for knowing too much cuz I recognized this place from a past dream)... and everybody leaves me behind. Then I am forced to live in closet sized places on trains, and the only person who can save me is Brandon and he chooses to ride a pony over saving my life... !! (thanks honey! hehe). And the last one was me driving a standard down a rickety ol' hilltop in a car that Brandon has broken the brakes out of, and everybody is yelling at me for the speed we're flying down it at, but I triumph by switching cars with Arnold Schwartzenegger (?) and get us out of there before the Nuclear Holocaust starts....

Anybody else think I was smoking some pretty fantastic crack last night??

when a chapter ends, the next one can begin

2005-03-13T20:50:00.000-08:00

For those of you who know me well, you'll know exactly what I mean when I say this: I won! I've been contacted by a suffering individual who seems to blame her life's despairs upon me (even though she does not even know me, and I her), for the last couple of months... and I think it's finally ending. I think she finally got the idea that I am never going to listen to anything she has to say in relation to my life and my future because she does not know me- so how can she tell me anything that is relevant to my life, and why would I believe it's the truth anyways, seeings how she resents my happiness? I blocked her from day one, but I'll give her props for being persistent. But I have triumphed in the end. I've never read a word she's written, never had a conversation with this girl... just refuse to give her the time of day because nothing she has to say will ever influence anything I decide to do in my life, and thus does not matter. I've found my peace in this world, being happy with the great blessings I have been given, and nobody can step into my life, unannounced, and change that. I choose to be happy... thus I choose to ignore those who are interfering with this happiness. I guess I'm just saying, I hope she is finally able to move forward (her troubles started well over a year ago) and let this all rest. Life is too short to dwell on the little things. I know I sure as hell try not to. That's what this blog is for. I vent out the petty shit so that I can move on with my life. I hope she does the same.

a change... would do ME good!

2005-03-11T23:05:00.000-08:00

I read a good blog today that brings to mind some issues I myself have been hammering against lately. In Brodie's blog (ditchdays.blogspot) he brings up the relevant point about the necessity for change in society (be it personal or social), being that it is innately linked to our biology - survival of the fittest and all that B.S. Well, I must say... I really need to take a page out of his book because I seem to be stuck in a self-induced rut of idiocy over here. I've just had myself the two worst days I've had in a long time,... and the greatest part is, it's all my own fucking fault. That's right. Top off two shitty days with a side order of self-loathing! Good times. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? And yet, I just can't snap out of it. I let myself believe the most awful things about myself and my inabilities to succeed as a person, and I wonder why I am stressed?! Fuck! It's like there's a switch in the brain that is centered around LETTING THINGS GO and mine was put through the washing machine or something. I need to remember the good things that I can accomplish and DO accomplish, so that I don't kick my ass so hard when the little things don't turn out. Is everybody like this, or is it just a self-induced deficiency that I alone possess? You could say that if we all build our own destiny, that I'm working on a new model and all the kinks aren't quite out yet. But, at least that shows that I AM working on it... it's just going to take some time. It's ironic, you know... I give all this seemingly great advice to everyone else... but I myself seem to ignore the logic behind it! Maybe one day I'll wake up to the feeling of a large iron frying pan plastering me in the head, and THAT will loosen the cobwebs in my skull. One can only hope... I suppose.

R.I.P. Halo

2005-03-11T22:52:00.000-08:00

Today marks the passing of a dear friend of mine, from this world to the next. She lived an extraordinary life, having overcome numerous illnesses (despite the vet's opinions), and continuing to be one of the smartest pets I have ever had the joy of knowing. Her pain is over, but the memory of her will never end. Thank you Halo for the moments we've shared, and I hope this transition is one of great peace and happiness for you. I'll always love you.

let's discuss some true penis envy

2005-03-11T01:50:00.000-08:00

You know what the problem with women is? We overthink everything!! And it's fucked up, because, as much as we are overthinking every goddamn situation we find ourselves in, we aren't using the LOGICAL side of our brain to do so, and thus end up making everything 100x worse than it needed to be. I fucking hate women! And I can say that, because I belong to this cursed gender! If somebody could slap me whenever I'm acting even remotely female-stereotypical, I think that would solve a lot of my problems. Fuck! I'm sorry to everyone who witnesses the flaws of my gender through me. It is not a conscience decision I swear. I especially want to apologize to Brandon, who puts up with the majority of my shit, and is good enough to not condemn me for my idiocies. By getting to be with a guy, I can honestly say I'm getting the winning end of the bargain... not sure what's in it for him though. Either way, thank you. I'll repay you someday, somehow.

it's the most wonderful time of the year...

2005-03-10T11:40:00.000-08:00

Spring is the happiest time of the year. Am I right? I mean, everything's coming back to life... just fills your bones with this rejuvenated bliss and reopened appreciation for life. Winter is so dark, long, and gloomy, which encourages depression. But spring, ahhh.. I love it! Makes me want to roll on the grass (preferably green), hang upside down on the monkey bars (on a windy day), rollerblade out of control down a hill (haven't mastered the "stop" yet), and most importantly: LIVE! Who's with me? My goal for this upcoming summer is to get a group of fun loving people to meet up for games like capture the flag, or kickball, or, (dare I say it), even hide and go seek!! People with fun loving attitudes that don't care what people think about them, as long as they are having fun. Cuz I sure as hell am! YAY SPRING! Rally the gang, and let's have some fun- it's definitely been awhile, hey? Bring on the good times!

a game you won't want to lose

2005-03-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

Doubt. Why is it there? Simple. Either God hates us, the devil exists, or Karma is one hell of a bitch. Think about it. Doubt, single-handedly, can be said to be the cause to most of the societal and personal chaos to which humanity has been exposed. Somebody puts an idea into your head, you become unsure, and stupid things instantly start happening. Well I'm here to tell you that the only fighting shot we have against this demon is our own sense of reason. We were born with it, and we'll die with it... you know why? Because either there are no chances and it was put there for a REASON... or... we CHOOSE to use it through common sense. Either way... it's providing a defence system against this mind-fucking tool of destruction. Follow your instincts, my friends, for they were given to you with purpose. If it feels right (without a shadow of uncertainty)... then it probably is. If you have conflicting theories about something... find the pros and cons... then use your REASON to make the decision. I've wasted too many years (not to mention tears) fucking around with my life because I was 'unsure' about my situation, or what I wanted, or if I was happy with myself. I've had enough. I'm happy goddamnit, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can say/do to me that's going to change that... because I believe it! Anybody that doesn't, is wasting too much time trying to analyze my life when they should be focusing on their own. Do what you have to do, and love that you are doing it. And don't play games with your head, because you're going to lose if you do.

musings of conformity...

2005-03-08T00:30:00.000-08:00

Okay so hands down, without a doubt, the worst feeling in the world is uselessness... am I right? I mean, how many people can honestly say that they love the feeling of wanting to do something/help somebody, but cannot because they do not have to capacity to do so? That's right... nobody! The concept of achievement and accomplishment is force-fed down our throats from day one (thanks a whole fucking lot to capitalism) and all this succeeds in doing is making people who catch the lucky breaks feel better about themselves, and the rest of us feel a whole damn lot worse. So when you're in a situation where circumstances cannot be controleld by your own actions... you have to feel 10x worse about it, because it's up to you to make everything in your life picture perfect- otherwise, you're a failure. Fuck! Everything is in competition with itself now. Who is the smartest? Prettiest? Most successful? I don't know. But I sure as hell am not. And, unlike most people, I can live with that. But how many people can, with all these pressures lurking throughout the media's influence? It's bullshit if you ask me. The societal utopia should not be based on the public's perception of an individual, but rather that individual's perception about him or herself! How can anyone sleep at night, whether the public loves them or not, if they hate themselves?? And how can we not hate ourselves when all we're doing is bowing down to the norms/expectations of our cultural society? Be who you are and love yourself for who that is! Conform to nothing and nobody, unless the choice is yours. One life... one shot... make sure you don't miss.

taking action

2005-03-05T22:52:00.000-08:00

the steel bar has dropped
no escape
the iron fist will raise
unleashing its fury upon my backside
imprisonment
cannot take everything away
my thoughts are my own
the memories too
outlets of my desire
encapsulating the mind's ravine
darkness bleeds from within
yet
the bleak glimmer of solice
peace found within your eye
looks down upon me
reminding me
i deserve better
i need only to step out of the ashes
throw the chains to the floor
and redeem myself

*if something isn't going right in your life, it is your job (and only YOUR job) to make it right. the decisions may not be easy (as they frequently aren't) but they are yours to make. if you do not make your life a memorable one... who will do it for you? live each day as if it were your last chance to make your mark in this world, because it may just be. if you stand in the shadows, you will never see the beautiful person you can be, shining in the light. take chances, be unique, and most importantly... have fun! why else should we have to endure the pain that we do, if not to make us really appreciate the good times that we have?

to the moon and back...

2005-03-03T00:16:00.000-08:00

This here is a picture going out to my favourite person in the world to remind him of something I think he needs to think about. All my love, honey!

the 'tru' education to university

2005-03-01T23:07:00.000-08:00

You know what's great about doing homework? absolutely nothing. Unless you are so bored and so alone that it is all you have to keep your little mind occupied for an evening... and sadly, that is where I am at. Mother's in bed, which means noise must be at a minimum, and seeings how it is still before 12 I should accomplish something homework-wise, because we all know how it accumulates when we do not. It's fucking horse shit if you ask me. And I'm PAYING for this 'priveledge'?? That's the worst part, I think. I'm working my ass off to afford to pay for an education that forces me to work my ass off just to obtain it. And then once I get a career I'll be spending the first 10 years trying to pay off the debt I've accumulated just to get there! Now that's irony, if you ask me. But, what can I do... ?

stupid people piss me off

2005-03-01T12:12:00.000-08:00

you know what really yanks my crank? people that have no ability to read other people's feelings. take last night, for instance: i'm upset and crying about a family issue that i'm dealing with, and this 'so-called' friend of mine starts making the most inappropriate jokes about it and says that my problem is funny. so i go offline after telling him off, and this morning he has the audacity to ask me if my problem is fixed! in one fucking night?? are you kidding me?? and i get no apology for his rudeness or anything... nope... but he skips right into how HE's doing... like i fucking care! so i've blocked his stupid ass and he can stick that in his pipe and fucking smoke it. i'll show HIM a twisted sense of humour...

P.S. I love you honey- thanks for cheering me up when other people were incapable of doing so.

futility's hunt

2005-02-28T23:49:00.000-08:00

i found the edge
the earth stopped short
inches from my bleeding heels
and sweat-stained torso
many sleepless nights
have brought me to this end
where the world steps back
and watches me fall

*the more you try to understand the meaning behind your existance, the point to even trying anymore, or the reason why you act/think the way that you do, the more you are distancing yourself from the reality that looms directly in front of you. you will never find what you are looking for unless you stop the search and realise that you are satisfied with what you have. then, and only then, will you find peace and fulfillment.

introduction to me

2005-02-28T23:16:00.000-08:00

I want to make this explicity clear from the beginning. I, as many people out there can relate, am just trying to make it through this little world of ours with any shred of happiness that I can hang onto. Unfortunately, there are many obstacles that stand between me and that hope, and this site is my outlet to vent out the frustrations, triumphs, and thoughts in relation to these hardships. I'm not guaranteeing anything more than honesty... maybe nobody will care that I write anything down,... the point is... that I wrote it, and I did so out of my own free will.